It’s a fine line I’m walking here. But it’s not really a line. It’s more like a zig-zag, helter-skelter pattern that’s got me jumping from spot to spot so I can make it through each day. Today is Day 269.  I feel deep sadness each day and I purposely acknowledge deep joy each day. So am I in balance? I know if I were to ask those around me, Am I in balance?–big smirks would hit their faces, sympathy would flash in their eyes. Because those close to me know how badly I am hurting and how my mind is always screeching around corners. And stuttering and pinging, erratic as can be. They know I’m out there.  But they just smile at me. And I am comforted by them because they know I am a mess yet they are patient with me. They know I’m working the program, trying to get it. Not just totally wallowing. Trying to live while missing my baby. So how do you do that? When do you reach the point when you feel like you are doing more living and less just biding your time to get through each day, to reach the end of your life? Does the balance just slowly shift toward living, versus clinging to survival? (more…)

I don’t love and connect with the car I drive, the meal I put on the table each night, or the clothes I put on my back. I love and connect with people. I’m trying to understand my reactions to inaction so I can soften my jagged edges. As time goes on, I’m learning more about the dynamics of relationships and really appreciate the amazingly kind people who have remained and those who have arrived in my life since Ben died. (more…)

It’s about time, isn’t it? Our lives are marked by time…how old we are, what grades our kids are in, how many days until…… And we learn so many of life’s lessons with the passage of time.

Tomorrow it will be 6 months ago that Ben died. Six months. 26 weeks. 182 days.

A few years ago, one of my son Ben’s friends started teasing me about being in the “autumn” of my life. I think that’s about the time I started my deep reflections on what I’d done with my life to that point, who I am, and what I’d like to do before I die. Since Ben’s death, that scrutiny has greatly intensified, involving a lot of introspection, self-loathing for the regrets that I have, and trying to find a way to live with my grief. All while dealing with the ordinariness of life. (more…)